| GO HERE |
[Mar. 31st, 2005|11:53 am] |
seeing as though i don't update my livejournal anymore, i thought that those of you who still visit here would like to see my more updated blog. here's the link.
http://www.myspace.com/eeny |
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| ah me |
[Nov. 19th, 2004|04:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  horny | ] |
| [ | music |
| | quiet my headache - down and above | ] |
Everyone remembers the 'faked-orgasm-in-a-deli'
sequence from your kind of movie When Harry Met
Sally. It seems that you're falling for a buddy
or have already fallen for them. Uh-oh. You're
probably caught between the possibility of
having a great relationship and wrecking the
one you have now. You know what they say, it's
better to regret something you did than
something you didn't do.
What Romance Movie Best Represents Your Love Life?
brought to you by Quizilla |
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| please, just go away |
[Nov. 11th, 2004|01:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | he acoustic version - jars of clay | ] |
don't try to reach me cause i'm already dead
the pain, when it grips me for things that i've done
well i try to make you proud but for crying out loud
just give me a chance to hide away
the exhaustion takes over, will it someday be over
fearful tears are running down, the pain you've laid don't speak a sound
don't take my heart away from me and they think i fell down again
i am going to be depressed for a long time. even though through the days i might have a laugh here and there, which is good for me, but i just don't know how to be happy anymore. not until i can find a way to live with myself and learn how to help myself. i need that self-discipline. as much as i don't know right now, i know that i want to pick my shit up and make myself a better person before anything.
i do talk to people about things and they offer advice and/or suggestions and i do take them into account, but i have to start listening to myself more. i have to figure out what is going to be good for me and what is not. i can't let other people's opinions rule me. i am the one making the choices in my life and i can't let anyone else dictate that for me. i wouldn't be human then.
as profound as that may sound, the process is going to bring me through hell and back. and if that's what i need to get going on a better track of life, then sobeit. in some parts of my life, i know that i've had to a bit easy. that's why i need to have this difficulty in my life, so that i know how to be a stronger person in my life. it's going to take me a long way, if not for myself, then for the family i want to have. it's just going to be so hard without my good friends and it's going to be hard without scott. but i need this. i need to push myself to this because it's what i want.
i finally got about 4 hours of sleep last night. for the past week, the total hours of sleep i have gotten was about 15 hours. there is just so much on my mind. i am so scatterbrained. sometimes i just want to curl up into a ball and be alone and just cry. i did that the first 2 nights that i spent at joe and jack's. i just completely broke down and cried so hard. i just couldn't stop because i knew that i was going into such a hard and lonely future.
now i can't say that i don't know what to do. i can't keep saying that. i need to be smarter than that. |
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| take in a deep breath and hold for a while |
[Nov. 8th, 2004|02:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | a perfect circle - counting bodies like sheep | ] |
so it seems that my life will have its many hardships coming in the near future. i have a great many things to tell, but not enough motivation to type it all here. but here i go anyway.
on saturday, i finally spoke to scott about our relationship. i do not believe i am in love with him anymore. i felt very unappreciated and taken for granted. there wasn't much spontaneality or even generosity in the relationship. i was tired of putting the effort into it when i got no response back. and he would just bug the fuck out of me to no end. we've always had problems with talking to each other about any issues because he would always make me feel stupid. he would never listen to what i had to say. he was just waiting to give feedback and then proceed to et all defensive and put the blame on me. i can't talk to a person like that. what's the use?
i have decided to seperate from him. that does not necessarily mean ending things. it just means that i think we need time away from each other. we have grown to be different people now. i don't want to leave him but i think it will be better for the both of us. i miss him a lot, but i have to be strong and push aside my need for companionship and lookout for myself now.
i was thinking that maybe sometime down the road, when he's finished with his 2 year degree in march, that i might check up on him. he would be trying to hold his own after school is done. he'll have a better job and he'll be more independent. i think that then, we will both a bit less co-dependent, that our mentalities will have reformed, and we will have a base for ourselves. i'm thinking that maybe when we are both more independent and have struck that base of our own, that we might have a different insight on what a relationship should be like for long term.
but i don't want to set myself up for disappointment again. i mean, if i go back to him now, things will be better only for a little bit. then it will all go back to what it was. and i don't want to chance that happening. not with him, not again. this is the main reason why i am following through with seperating with him. and i don't even know if things will be different in march. maybe he will still be the same. i don't know. it just makes me sad to see that our relationship has drained itself to a point where there is no more love from one side.
after talking to scott saturday, he asked me to come around on sunday to pack up my things. i know that's fair, because any of my stuff being there during this seperation would not be fair for him. but it still hurts to do it. it's so much harder to do that to say or even think. so last night, scott asked me to stay. he said that he can take care of himself but that i need to take care of myself first. he said that i can get my own place, go to school, do my 2 jobs, but that he still wants me to stay with him and he will do his best to make the relationship work. i don't know if i'm ready for that. i've tried to work on us for so long. it just goes back to the same thing. things will only be better for a little while but it all goes back to what it used to be. i don't want to go back to that. i just don't think i can take it. and it kills me. it's killing me that it's killing him. of course i still care a great deal for him. i know he's going to mean and/or be a part of my life one way or the other. good or bad. but i just don't think i can take the chance that it might fall into shambles again and just crumble before me.
it's killing me. |
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| bad start |
[Nov. 6th, 2004|06:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | sad tunes | ] |
in my quest for independence comes much heartbreak and hurt. not only for me but for others. i hate to have people feel this way, but they have to understand what i am trying to do for myself. hopefully i am making better choices right now. i just don't know what to do anymore. i don't want to give up when things get hard and rough. i want to discuss them and try to work through it so that it comes down to a resolution. whether that resolution be positive or negative for me, atleast it's a resolution and i can breakthrough from that ground base. in order to dicuss these types of issues, the other people involved have to be more understanding because i am really confused right now. i want to try and deal with things on my own.
well, i just talked to scott about things. a very basic view of how i've been feeling. it's so heart wrenching to tell someone that you love them but you're not in love with them anymore. so many things have led up to this. being unappreciated, taken for granted, made to feel stupid about things that i feel. it makes sense, but it's so hard. unbearably hard because i want to work things out, but deep inside i know that things most likely won't work.
i know that scott can be security. he will get a good job and have a great career in time. he will be a good base for any type of relationship. he can provide the happiness once a day, but if it's not the right type then you're stuck. he bothers me to no end. i spend time away from him and things get better for a little bit, but it always goes back to the same thing. we have just grown to be different. i don't know if i'm ready to accept that because i don't know if i'm going to lose something that might be the best thing to happen to me. that smidge of hope mixed with denial is killing me. i don't know what to do. it's killing me. i'm dying inside and i don't know how to make it better. |
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| crazy for this girl |
[Oct. 31st, 2004|02:40 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | evan and jaron - crazy for this girl | ] |
she rolls the window down and she talks over the sound
of the cars that pass us by
and i don't know why, but she's changed my life
would you look at her, she looks at me
she's got me thinking about her constantly
but she doesn't know how i feel
and she carries on without a doubt
i wonder if she's figured out
i'm crazy for this girl
she was the one to hold me the night the sky fell down
and what was i thinking when
the world didn't end why didn't i know what i know now
right now, face to face, all my fears pushed aside
and right now i'm ready to spend the rest of my life with you |
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| not so happy ending |
[Oct. 27th, 2004|01:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  uncomfortable | ] |
| [ | music |
| | happy ending - avril lavigne | ] |
let's talk this over, it's not like we're dead
was it something i did, was it something you said
don't leave me hanging in this city so dead
held up so high on such a breakable thread
you were all the things i thought i knew
and i thought we could be
you were everything, everything that i wanted
we were meant to be, supposed to be but we lost it
all of the memories so close to me just fade away
all this time you were pretending, so much for my happy ending
you've got your dumb friends, i know what they say
they tell you i'm difficult but so are they
but they don't know me, do they even know you
all the things you hide from me, all the shit that you do
you were all the things i thought i knew
and i thought we could be
it's nice to know that you were there
thanks for acting like you cared
and making me feel like i was the only one
it's nice to know we had it all
thanks for watching as i fall
and letting me know we were done |
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| words of wisdom...? |
[Oct. 25th, 2004|02:34 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sad | ] |
| [ | music |
| | are you sad - our lady peace | ] |
If you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done.
Don't spend the rest of your life with someone you can live with. Wait for someone you can't live without.
Never make someone a priority, when to them you are simply an option.
i'm pretty bored at work once again. it's already turned out to be a bad day. i was talking on my cell wtih hayley this morning, and scott's mom decided to eavesdrop on my conversation. now, i realize that it is my "fault" for saying the things that i said, but it was really innapropriate of her to do so and then tell scott about the way that she heard things.
incase you're wondering what i was talking about, it went along the lines of me just waiting for something to pull me out of the relationship i have with scott. i love him to death, but sometimes i just can't stand to be around him because he's such a jerk and such an inconsiderate brat. i just don't think i'm in love with him anymore, but at the same time i don't want to see him hurt. i'm such a pushover. anywho, i also talked to hayley about how i just can't wait to move out and get my own place. now, i say that because first off, i don't want to stay at my parent's house, second, because it's really uncomfortable for me to be around scott's house. i have been living there for about a year now, and i am VERY grateful for his mom taking me in. i just don't want to be around there where all i hear is yelling, constant nagging, and then to top it off, having scott around me so much. i just think i need to physically seperate myself from scott. it's just getting to too much everything.
so that started me off to a bad day. then to make things even better...my dad wanted to have lunch with me today since he had today off. now, the last time that i talked to my dad was on friday, and that didn't go over well at all. it just reminded me more about why i don't want to be there. atleast today's lunch went better than i thought. nothing too harsh came out of my dad's mouth. and he did give me $20 which will probably go toward scott's birthday preesnt. (a logitech MX-1000 $60) blehhhh, i'm bored and tired. i'll write more later. |
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| explored and found |
[Oct. 22nd, 2004|03:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thankful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | my confession - josh groban | ] |
this entry will be about my friend neil michael peterson. better known as kourn to me. this is our story.
when i started out with steam's 1.6 counterstrike, i played a lot in a pub called Twin City Gamers. my latency was low there, and it became a favorite for me. i played there so often that my name became somewhat of a popular identity to regulars there. i made many aquaintances and we all had our shits and giggles. for a while, i noticed that a person playing under the alias of "kournikova" or "kourn" was really really good and supported me whenever we were on the same team. we talked a bit more. played a bit more. it was all good.
now, at this point, everyone in that pub still thought that i was a guy because not many girls play counterstrike, let alone give away their female status. well, one day i bought a microphone so that i could talk in-game instead of typing all the damn time. boy oh boy were people surprised. although i was already well known in the pub, me being a girl just shot that through the roof. and i didn't like it much. people that i talked to on a constant basis didn't talk to me the same way as they used to, except for kourn. he still is the only person that talks to me like i'm a human being from my status change. and i'm very appreciative of that.
i still talk to many people that pubbed in TCG, even since it's gone down. but they talk to me a bit differently. they always have to touch on the subject of me being a girl. WTF mate? i don't like that. some newer people that i meet talk to me the same way, but i just really appreciated the fact that kourn and i can still talk about anything and not be uncomfortable with it. my new team (hmong gamers) and teammates treat me like a regular person, which is awesome. i love those guys. it feels a lot better to just be human as opposed to be recognized just for one small thing.
anywho, kourn and i have talked so often and for so long that i decided it was time to meet! he lives in prior lake, mn while i'm in st. paul, mn. but we still find places to meet and things to do. he's such a great person, and his status has changed from just an aquaintance to an actual good friend. i enjoy his company. i don't even know if we have much in common, i just know that we get along pretty good.
about a week ago, my best good friend hayley met kourn. we went out and got something to eat and just talked the whole night long. we went back to scott's place and talked even more. it was just fun. so when kourn left around 1 am, hayley stayed for a while because she was waiting on scott to fix his laptop for her. inbetween the time that kourn was gone and when scott got home, hayley told me one thing that is still on my mind. she told me that it seems as though kourn likes me. i asked her how and she said that he was really uncomfortable whenever i brought up scott and he just looked at me differently. i asked her if this look was of disgust and she said no lol. she thinks that he likes me! of course that isn't a new concept to me. i think that kourn is a good looking guy. he thinks he looks like a rat ROFL. it was just odd. i don't think that kourn thinks of me like that AT ALL. he knows so much about me and i don't think that he would even consider dating me ever. now, it doesn't make me uncomfortable around him at all, but it does put up a huge question in my head about whether he does or doesn't and it bugs the fuck out of me! oh man...dilemma. i hate those. but it'll be ok. because he's my kourn. and he'll always be my kourn.
on tuesday, we got into an argument about the dumbest thing possible. seriously. i was a bit upset at the fact that i thought he was serious about him being right about the subject and just proceeding and insisting that i was wrong. i told him jokingly that i didn't want to be his friend if he was serious. he didn't really give me an answer to that, so i didn't know what to make of. we always give each other shit about the most random things and we are 90% of the time just joking about it, but in this case, since the conversation was taking place via AOL instant messaging, neither of us were clear about how we each really felt about the whole stupid argument. so, needless to say, we ended the night being upset with each other.
on wednesday, i just couldn't get it off of my mind. i had hoped that i didn't make him upset at all and i hoped that he really didn't take me seriously. but i didn't know how he felt about it all. he seemed a bit annoyed by my presence while pugging with his teammates. we didn't say much to eachother. so on thurdsday while i was bored at work, i had to message him. i couldn't stand the ignoring. i couldn't stand to not know how he felt about the stupid argument and about the things that i said. and knowing him, he probably would have never confronted me about anything. so i took the initiative and talked to him about it and asked him what was up. apparently, we were both really really confused about how to take the things we said to each other. it was all jokingly intended, but the assuming just got to the better of us. i gave him a call and we straightened things out. it was so ridiculous. we both were really upset, but still found a better way to understand what we both meant.
i felt so horrible for making him feel that way. it was never my intent. oh god, i felt like shit. his friendship is this important to me. i think we've known each other for about a year now. a fucking year. and he means this much to me already. god, i hope that i don't base this friendship on too little. but just talking to him makes me feel so comfortable and it always brightens my day. i just think sometimes he's sick of me because i talk too damn much. i talk to him so much and spend so much of my day with him, whether it be online or in person, and i have never gotten sick of him. ever. now that is what i call amazing. |
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| can't sleep... |
[Oct. 13th, 2004|06:46 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  restless | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "somewhere out there" by our lady peace | ] |
now, to continue on my trip.
i got to joey's around 3:30 pm on saturday. the first thing he did when we met was hug me. that was such a great sign that things would be SOOO much better from there on out. i LOVE hugs. hugs are so good. they always put me in a lighter mood. anyway, joey has to be one of the greatest people i have EVER met. he was everything he was online. he was a well groomed, good looking guy and he was just so sweet to me. he is such a great person. i really should have spent more time with joey than with billy, but joey didn't get back to grand rapids until about 8 pm saturday night.
well, after the meet and greet, he took me on a tour of his house that he shares with his dad and sometimes with his dad's busines partner. they rent it from another guy for a great price. and it's such a smashing place. the such a great bachelor's pad. it was so nice. i was amazed. after that, he decided that we drive for a bit around grand rapids and the surrounding "suburb" areas to show me the place that he grew up and so that we could kill some time before grabbing dinner. oh my goodness, it was SO nice there. such beautiful houses and schools right by lakes and stuff that i would just love to grow up around. during the whole car ride, we talked about a lot. things from abortion to first loves and new loves. then the dreaded question came. he asked me how my stay with billy was. to sum it up for him, i said that it wasn't what i expected in a bad way. so he felt a little pressure on being a good host to me, but there was no need. when he gave me a hug, that was more than anything that billy did.
after giving me a tour of grand rapids, we decided on italian food for dinner. this place was ridiculously nice and when restaurants are ridiculously nice, they are also expensive. AND JOEY PAID FOR ME. i felt SO bad. i hate it when other people pay for me. AND he almost didn't let me pay him back. oh that food was sooo good though. well, after dinner, which took about 1 1/2 hours, we decided to see a movie. we initially wanted to see ladder 49, but decided to go see shaun of the dead instead. we went back to joey's place and watched pimp my ride for about an hour since there was time to kill until we needed to leave for our movie. well, joey didn't really let me pay for the movie, i just shoved my check card infront of the cashier's face and told her to charge it. same thing with the concessions. so atleast he didn't pay for everything during the visit.
shaun of the dead was a great movie. sooo hilarious. and we just had a great time because there was such a great audience. it was ridiculously fun, and we both came out laughing out asses off. sooo good! anywho, after that flick, we went back to joey's and watched eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, and since it was joey's favorite movie, we just had to see it that night. it's gotta be one of the greatest i've seen in a LONG time. so we grabbed a few beers to sip on during the movie and fell in. after that movie, we called it a night
since it was about 2 am eastern time. atleast joey did. i actually didn't fall asleep until about 5 am since i was and still am an insomniac.
i woke up around 10 am because i set my alarm and i didn't want to oversleep since i had a long drive ahead of me. i didn't wind up leaving until about 2 pm because my plans with jibs fell through. the WHOLE time i was in michigan and even before that, i had tried to get a hold of him to figure out what the hell was going to be the plan for us on monday. my plan was to leave joey's around 9-10 am and get to chicago around 12-1 so that i could spend a few hours there in chicago with jibs and then drive back around 5 pm. but since jibs never got back to me until monday night, i couldn't visit my favorite city. so, at 2 pm that monday, i started back on my long trip back to what i called home. it was rather lonely and i didn't really want to go yet, but there was nothing left for me anywhere else but home, and wheni realized that, i was SO happy to be heading "home."
last time i talked to you, you were lonely and out of place
you were looking down on me, lost out in space
laying underneath the stars, strung out and feeling great
watch the red orange glow, watch it float away
down here in the atmosphere, garbage and city lights
gonna save you're tired soul, you're gonna save our lives
turn on the radio to find you in satellite
i'm waiting for the sky to fall, i'm waiting for a sign
and all we are is all so far
you're falling back to me, the star that i can see
i know you're out there, somewhere out there
you're falling out of reach, defying gravity
i know you're out there, somewhere out there
hope you remember me when you're homesick and need a change
i miss you're purple hair, i miss the way you taste
i know you'll come back some day, on a bed of nails i wait
i'm praying that you don't burn out or fade away
and all we are is all so far |
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| officially |
[Oct. 10th, 2004|04:03 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bored | ] |
| [ | music |
| | roxette | ] |
it is officially maxine's 11th birthday now. my youngest sister is now 11. i miss her. and my other younger sister kelly. but what's worse than missing them is that i don't want to see them at home due to an oldest sibling that will remain nameless. i just dislike her presence SO damn much that it would cause this. =\ well, i will tell the story of my journey to see the boys mentioned in my last entry. although there is so much to tell, i will split the entries because i'll be too tired to write anything about joey's visit after i write this one out. check back tomorrow or some time this week.
friday morning i went into work early and left around 1 pm so that i wouldn't be driving so late into the night since it is a 9 hour drive. however, i was delayed becasue my dumbass self locked my keys inside my own car just after passing madison. that took about 45 minutes away from my travelling, and cost me $40. that SUCKED. the fucker that said he would be at the gas station to help me came 30 minutes late and I was the one to get my keys out of my car, not him. he just simply supplied the supplies needed for the job. so, that started off life shit. well, the rest of the ride went smoothly. i stopped maybe once or twice after that for pottying, food and gas. i finally got to msu around 11:30 pm and finally met billy.
let me tell you, billy is one cynical guy. seemed kind of like the dark, intellectual who's had a rough past but is intuned to reality and therefore has more sense than most people but just chooses not to express it flamboyantly. well, so it seemed when we had talked online. he was a perfectly normal guy when it was just me and him, but when his friends came around he became a chameleon. just adapting to how he normally is around the groups of people he has in his company. seriously, he had to be one of the worst hosts i have ever come to meet. granted, we didn't really plan on anything and just wanted to play it by ear, we literally did nothing when it was just he and i. we had sushi around noon or one the first morning i was there and it was a free meal since he knew the owner. now, that was very nice. but after that, everything was bland. we watched l.a. confidential and watched a few counterstrike movies on his computer. then watched him play counterstrike for a little while. then nothing. at all. never asked if i was hungry. never asked if i was thirsty. never asked me anything. that struck me as odd. so i just made things for myself to do until his friends showed up. things like call kourn and joey and talk to them for a total of 2 hours. maybe even longer than that.
when billy's friends got to his place, we went to his friend jeff's place to figure out something to do. we sat there for a good 1 1/2 hours before even deciding anything. they were surfing the net on myspace pages and laughing up about overdosing on prescription drugs like adderral (which is a drug prescribed for people with ADD and is a mild mild form of cocaine.) right, it didn't really blow my mind that these damn kids would want to do shit like this, but i didn't think that billy would be a dumbass like that. he's such an intellectual and brilliant person. well, i guess there are different types of smart. and he sure isn't socially smart. making such stupid decisions and rotting a mind like that is for sucks. so i lost a lot of respect for him that night.
well, they decided that for the rest of the night, all they wanted to do was find a party and drink. it was saturday night. what else would there have been to do? riiiigghhttt...we wound up walking outside in 35 degree weather for 2 1/2 hours only to wind up finding 1 house party and waiting for this nasty, greasy overage guy to buy them a shitty shitty bottle of vodka. after that, we went back to billy's and watched man on fire after taking a few shots. and oh man, what pusses they were about taking shots. they just HAD to have a chaser. they can't take it straight up. lol that made me laugh. it's a great movie, too bad 3 of them fell asleep in the middle of it. so around 3 am, everyone went to their respective beds and fell fast asleep until about 10:30 am. the following morning, we all went to the same sushi restaurant that billy and i had gone to friday afternoon but this time i didn't get a free meal, which is fine. i'd rather pay anyway. well, about few hours after that i decided to head out to joey's since i was bored out of my mind. more about joey's later. i'm pooped.
by the way billy does wear women's pants which i didn't find that odd since he was so fucking small. he was about 6 feet and weighed 160-165 lbs. wow, i could crush him. he was so pretty though. i think back on that visit and really ask myself, what the fuck was i doing trying to befriend someone like him. i normally wouldn't even consider it, but i guess i didn't really know him until i got there.
i can officially say that i did not have a great time with billy. |
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| plans |
[Sep. 26th, 2004|11:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | anything acapella | ] |
i'm planning to see billy and joey soon. it will be a great time. well, hopefully. some certain events are expected to happen, and with those assumptions, i base outlook on "fun." i hope i'm not disappointed. although i do have to say, i have only known billy for a total of 2 months, and really haven't even talked to him until about 2 weeks ago. joey though, i have no doubt about. although i have never met either of these 2 people, i have enough comfidence in them to stay with for a night or two.
they don't live together. billy is in east lansing since he goes to michigan state university and joey lives in grand rapids, michigan but will soon move down to key west because he can. (i am very envious of joey's life.) so, it'll be a 9 hour drive to east lansing and then an hour west to grand rapids from east lansing. i'm also planning to visit jibs in chicago on my way back too because he's one of my favorite peoples online.
yeah wow, i sound like such a tard. i'm going to visit these people that i met online...and not just through a chat room. through online GAMING. wow wow wow wow wow. call me crazy? i think i just need to get away from here for a little bit. people are starting to drive me further up the wall when i though i was in progress of coming down. :< wish me luck! |
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| no sleep |
[Sep. 2nd, 2004|03:53 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cynical | ] |
| [ | music |
| | ashlee simpson - pieces of me | ] |
i just had such a shitty day. it's been shitty since late august. this is one long ass shitty day that really isn't just one day. but it feels like it's jsut never going to end. i've screwed up so fucking much. i can't believe the way i've lived out my life. what i'm scared of the most is that i will never figure out what to do. when you don't know a fucking thing that is certain around you, you're pretty fucked up. i may as well get hopped up on meds and shit to see if it can make me feel any better about anything. |
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| hard for me to say i'm sorry |
[Aug. 20th, 2004|11:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sad | ] |
| [ | music |
| | chicago | ] |
everybody needs a little time away, i heard her say, from each other
even lovers need a holiday, far away, from each other
hold me now, it's hard for me to say i'm sorry, i just want you to stay
after all that we've been through, i will make it up to you, i promise to
and after all that's been said and done, you're just a part of me i can't let go
couldn't stand to be kept away, just for the day from your body
wouldn't want to be swept away, far away from the one that i love
hold me now, it's hard for me to say i'm sorry, i just want you know
hold me now, i really want to tell you i'm sorry, i could never let you go
after all that we've been through i will make it up to you, i promise to
and after all that's been said and done, you're just a part of me i can't let go |
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| feeling alive |
[Jul. 26th, 2004|01:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | gloomy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | dashboard confessional | ] |
i've been thinking about taking up a second job. i think i might be able to pull it off. even during school. i'd go to school and get out no later than 12 or 2 pm and then i'd work with my mom until 5-6 pm and i'd be free after that. i really never have anything to do after 6 pm. so it'd be perfect for a second job. of course i would need to do homework and stuff, but that can be done inbetween everything or when i'm not doing anything at the office. it will be busy, but i need to keep busy. otherwise i just lounge around and do nothing and get fat, and no one wants to be fat! ;)
it's been nice and sunny for a couple of days. that's really awesome. i love sunny days...except when i wake up and all i think of are things that have gone wrong. those days bite. ever have those days where you just think of how everything is going wrong and how it will go wrong and how things have already gone wrong? just a wrong day? yeah, i get those pretty often. today, i'm having an off-beat wrong day. i woke up thinking about the things that have gone wrong and things that are going to wind up wrong but i'm just feel good right now. that is until my mother from hell gets back into the office.
so, not having a lot of money to spend on the activites you can do on your cruise really really really sucks. i better watch my money because it's leaving my hands like nothing. gah, i don't even know how much i will have to spend on my trip. i doubt i will get anything from my parents. they've already paid for the cruise itself. gah, it's gonna be a worrying day, i feel it coming on already.
things i'll be worrying about today:
-the counterstrike match
-money on the cruise
-school
-the stupid 2GF (yeah yeah, it shouldn't be on the list...)
-what i'll be packing for the cruise
-the fact that my bf will be looking at porn nonstop while i'm on my cruise
-whether my mom talks to me today because 85% of the time, i hate it when she talks to me
-my car and its condition
-money in general
-doing my legs and bikini line before i leave for the cruise
this list will go on as i think about it. time to stretch. ahhh, that felt really good. it's tuesday today. my flight leaves at 6 am on sunday, june 20th. that's coming up really quickly and it kind of scares me. but i'm pretty excited. we fly to miami and stay there for about 2 hours, then we fly from miami to san juan, pueto rico and stuff. wowowowowowowowow. it's a bit indescribable of how i feel. and back to work i go. |
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| one more for the night |
[Jul. 2nd, 2004|02:39 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the smashing pumpkins | ] |
"wishing i was there"
take your hand and place it in my pocket
flick your eyes back in their sockets
put those thoughts away sometimes they're much to loud
i'll take a breath and cradle your sweet head
should've stayed at home in bed
put that face away, i'm melting for you
i know, i get cold, cause i can't leave things well alone
understand i'm accident prone
me, i get free, every night the moon is mine
but when the morning comes
don't say you love me, don't say you need me
i really don't think that's fair
boy I'm not so dumb, but when you leave me
i'll be wishing i, wishing i, wishing i was there
i dreamt about another girl in bed with you
you just laughed and smiled, denied the proof
we're fine till i think of the problem
i wish it made sense, like a joke that no one gets
it's a life without regret i want to feel that way
forever and ever
i know, i get cold, cause i can't leave things well alone
understand i'm accident prone
me, i get free, every night the moon is mine
but when the morning comes
don't say you love me, don't say you need me
i really don't think that's fair
boy I'm not so dumb, but when you leave me
i'll be wishing i, wishing i, wishing i was there
now don't say you love me, and don't say you need me
i really don't think that's fair
boy i'm not so dumb, but when you leave me
i'll be wishing i, wishing i, wishing i was there with you |
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| teehee |
[Jun. 24th, 2004|02:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hungry | ] |
| [ | music |
| | josh groban | ] |
it's thursday already. wow, thursday. i just started freaking out about packing all my stuff and what i should pack and how i should pack it and how much to bring. blahhhh. i can't wait to go. our flight leaves on sunday at 6am. that means we leave for the airport at 4 am. that means i don't have much of a night with scott. that sucks. but that's ok! cause i'll be going on a cruise! =)
so i was wondering why i was so bored last night, and i think it was because chad wasn't on to entertain me with gaming. it's kind of sad, how bored i was. i bugged the hell out of scott to do something but he said 'as soon as you figure out something to do, we'll do it.' well, i couldn't figure out anything to do. i didn't want to spend much money before my cruise so i don't know what we could have done to make the time better. sometimes, i just really hate having nothing to do.
and that chad character didn't get back until nighttime and he wasn't responding because of his mom and their bickering, but that's ok. i just lounged around and did nothing much. it kind of sucked. i missed out on my one night of fun for the week with friends because i had my CAL match on tuesday. so i just told scott to go without me and he gladly went. damnit counterstrike, you take away my real friends from me! maybe i've had enough of the cyberworld.
thank god my cruise is just around the corner though because i know that as soon as i get back from a week without gaming, i'll have gone nuts and then wind up playing non-stop. oh well. i need a break. hopefully i will have access to the internet and try to update while on my trip. maybe i'll be too busy, but i will try. more later. |
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| wrong impression |
[Jun. 20th, 2004|02:27 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | xanakee | ] |
calling out, calling out, haven't you wondered
why I'm always alone when you're in my dreams
calling out, calling out, haven't you wondered
why you're finding it hard just looking at me
i want you, but i want you to understand
i need you, i love you
didn't want to leave you with the wrong impression
didn't want to leave you with my last confession
of love
wasn't trying to pull you in the wrong direction
all i wanna do is try to make a connection
of love
falling out, falling out, have you ever wondered
if this was ever more than a crazy idea
falling out, falling out, have you ever wondered
what we could've been if you'd only let me in
i want you, but i want you to understand
i miss you, i love you
didn't want to leave you with the wrong impression
didn't want to leave you with my last confession
of love
wasn't trying to pull you in the wrong direction
all i wanna do is try to make a connection
of love
have you ever wondered
i need you, i love you
i didn't want to leave you there
but i'm calling out
wasn't trying to pull you in the wrong direction
but i'm calling out |
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| i need a teddy bear |
[Jun. 11th, 2004|01:54 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drained | ] |
| [ | music |
| | natalie imbruglia | ] |
9 days until i leave for my cruise. i can't wait. i need a break from everything here. i need to be alone. i think i'm gonna go see a movie tomorrow night by myself. or just go somewhere on my own. i need some alone time. i think everything is getting to my head and it's gonna drive me nuts. i really just want to have a huge house and a huge back yard on my huge estate and have it be a nice and sunny day and just sun bathe on my own without any interruptions. no one else there, just me. god that sounds like heaven. i'm so sick of people.
i hate it when i get this way. i'm such a horribly social person, and then i just want to be alone. then it's even worse because people will ask me if i'm ok and if there's anything wrong just because i want to be alone. then it makes me want to be alone even more because people are bugging me too much. then i just feel bad because they're just being gracious and asking if i'm feeling ok. i can never make up my god damned mind.
but my type of being alone is just being alone from everyone except for maybe 1 or 2 people. but i dont want to see them. i'd just rather talk to them about whatever i'm thinking about. it gets loads more off of my mind as well as writing/typing it out. x_x
drained...that's a great term for how i'm feeling.
work is awful. the pay is awful. the sitting there doing nothing or doing the tedious work just drains my energy. then my mom...god she just drains everything from me. and nothing helps when my aunt (her sister =\) or my dad is there because they do the same thing as my mom.
my siblings. i don't think i need to say any more on that subject because everyone should know how draining they are of everything. whether it be material or immaterial. they're just draining bitches.
i'm cold. i need to complain. i dont feel good in these jeans. i dont feel good naked. i dont feel good sitting here. i dont feel good venting to people because they're reading my wrath of the moment. i dont feel good at all. and i dont feel like it will get better. |
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| so... |
[May. 21st, 2004|04:07 pm] |
my head is wrong my thoughts are gone
but i hope to find that personality that makes me feel happiness
against the grain realize your pain
but i hope to find some temporality
brace yourself for this next injucture
you'll be living life your own way
just graduate gradually
why did you finally realize that my mind you're a
catostrophic complication
why did you finally figure out that it's not only a
just a new love situation
my heart is gone my thought was wrong
but i hope to find that imperfection that makes me feel whole again
against your call i'll press you now
with a hope to find some sensuality
brace yourself for this next injucture
you'll be living life your own way
just stimulate stimulate
why did you finally realize that my mind you're a
catostrophic complication
why did you finally figure out that it's not only a
just a new love situation
why did you run from me, what did you think you'd know
i needed time to breathe, you needed room to grow
what's that i cannot see, is it infront of me
i don't know what you need, why can't i just say no
it's not a part of me, that's pushing you from me
i don't know where to be, you've got, i ive got
there's nothing wrong with me, i dont know what you see
you wouldn't be there for me, you needed room to grow
more later. |
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